WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been
completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be! complete e within 30 days. It is
now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the
countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing
copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France!
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money
toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that
note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt
you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the
earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mesamis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps
have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or
watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of
the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our! neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep,
border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -
starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for
oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for
decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision,
I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn
tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the
planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from !
America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe
you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You
might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America! Thank you and
good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it
in English, thank a soldier.
