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Author Topic: Perfect Diet!  (Read 2023 times)

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HeadGuess

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Perfect Diet!
« on: July 31, 2006, 05:17:56 PM »
  I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.   On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
 
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
  I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.   Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned when I was sent to ICU.
 
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
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Boogie

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2006, 05:46:21 PM »
 :D
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sober

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2006, 07:29:44 PM »
 O0
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jarubio

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2006, 08:06:29 PM »
 :D :D :D :D :DLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D
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rod181

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2006, 08:30:12 PM »
LMFAO way to funny im going to have to try that.



P.S. the joke at walmart not lick my balls lol
« Last Edit: July 31, 2006, 08:40:48 PM by rod181 »
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jmdaniel

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2006, 08:38:39 PM »
Ya know what George Carlin would say to to that... if you could lick your own balls, you'd never leave the house!  ;D
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"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
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rod181

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2006, 08:39:36 PM »
Quote from: jmdaniel on July 31, 2006, 08:38:39 PM
Ya know what George Carlin would say to to that... if you could lick your own balls, you'd never leave the house!  ;D
lol
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HeadGuess

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Re: Ethyl and her Husband
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2006, 08:49:33 PM »
Ethyl was about eighty when she went to the doctor and asked him..

Doctor what can I do about my husband. I'm still interested in sex and he is not?

Doctor.. Well are you very flexible?

Ethyl.. Yea I think so.

Doctor.. Well next time your husband goes in to take a shower get on the bed naked and put your legs behind your head. When he gets out of the shower he will see you and get excited and want to have sex.

So Ethyl goes home and the next time her husband gets in the shower she gets on the bed and after a lot of grunting and all she finally gets her legs behind her head.

Her husband gets out of the shower and looks at her and says Ethyl comb your hair and put your teeth in you look like Sh*t!
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RD

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2006, 09:04:26 PM »
LMAO!!!! ;D ;D ;D
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jmdaniel

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2006, 09:05:14 PM »
I think I just threw up in my mouth...  :o :P
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"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

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2007 Yamaha FJR1300A
2003 Honda VTX 1300

solitary-man

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2006, 10:49:45 PM »
I have to use Science Diet, Purina gives me gas. :D
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HeadGuess

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #11 on: August 01, 2006, 04:42:22 PM »
I was at a PetSmart one day getting my Boxer groomed and at checkout they have treats you can give your dog. The girl checking me out was eating them! I asked her if she did it by mistake. She said no they are the same as human cookies just without the sugar. I still have'nt tried one.
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galpd320

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2006, 09:08:03 AM »
Mel Gibson ate milk bones in Lethal Weapon.  I don't think he was driving that evening though.  :D
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TAZ

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Re: Perfect Diet!
« Reply #13 on: August 02, 2006, 09:42:35 AM »
Milk bones are pretty blan...lol  the things you do when your young... ::)
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HeadGuess

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Re: Speaking of Eating!
« Reply #14 on: August 02, 2006, 11:04:25 AM »
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had twelve 25-lb king
crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr.
Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

I'm Hungry! I think I'll go to lunch now!
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