I just received a jury-duty notice in the mail this morning so I called the clerk's office and told them that because I was 80 years old I was exempt. The guy that answered the call said... "Well, you have to come in and fill out an Exemption Form anyway." "I've already done that last year," I said to him. "Well, you have to do it every year" he shot back. "Why... do you think I am getting younger?" I told him.
Almost got in big trouble yesterday. My wife went through my checkbook and saw my entry for "$100 for hookers." She said "Have you been buying more fishing equipment again?"
I forgot to mention that I went to doc Weiser for my annual physical last week. While listening to my heart with his stethoscope, he muttered to me, "Uh, oh!" "What is it doctor," I said. "Well, did you know you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" he asked. "Nope, never have," I said. "Do you drink excessively?" "Nope, never touch the stuff," I told him. "What about sex? Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" I said nervously. "Well," he said, "I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you're going to have to give up half of your sex life." "Which half would that be, doctor ... the thinking or the looking?"
I read in the paper that men who make love twice a week live 12 years longer than men who are celibate. I said to my wife "You're trying to kill me aren't you?"
Technically speaking I'm “follicly challenged,” but I just like to tell everyone I'm not losing my hair, I'm getting more head.
I don't see what all the fuss is about same sex marriages? I've been married to my wife for 50 years and we always have the same sex.
Yesterday was by 89th birthday. My beautiful and thoughtful wife surprised me with an SUV. No, it wasn't a Cadillac Escalade... it was Socks, Underwear and Viagra. Last night I tried the Viagra. I don't need it for sex, I just want Mr. Happy to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
Here's a Viagra joke I heard while we're on the subject... One morning, two 80-year-old men sat talking about the weather and the latest in medical science and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other elderly man isn't familiar with Viagra and asks the first man what is it for. The first man says, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of thirty." The second man then asks, "Can you get it over the counter? You probably could, if you took two pills," replies the first man.
I love to walk. I have to walk early in the morning though, before my brain figures out what the hell I'm doing.
